music.

This will be scattered and not have much point but to tell what thoughts are running through my brain.

I'm often disappointed in myself for a lot of things. One of these things being that I am not much more involved in music than singing in the shower and when I'm alone. That I am not in musical productions or playing my guitar everyday. Or playing the harp, but that's neither here nor there..

I love to sing. I always have. I don't suck too much at it. Just a little. I don't do it as much as I would like. I don't as often just sit with music on, singing, because I can't ever dissect enough time from my day to do so.

I like music that flows... like walking through the woods at home when everything is snow covered and you can't hear anything but yourself. That doesn't happen here.
like something you turned on while riding the bus home from school, and you turned it up so loud that you couldn't here people behind you being petty and disgusting. or the bus stopping and going.
music that flows so much that it doesn't sound like it was written or that it will be the same as it was the last time you heard it, because it has something raw and untouched about it.
music that flows and I close my eyes and I'm not here.. I'm not here with my job or cars or bills or money or humans or pollution or death or over-consumption or no time to do anything or overpaid celebrities or lives wasted. I'm somewhere else where there are just notes and voices and harmonies that pick me up and pull me out of everything I don't want to be near.

It's either good or bad for me to feel like this. But I think it's probably good for me to get away from everything. Because that's where I want to be most of the time. Away.

where is thanksgiving?

Well. I'm not saying I had a bad Thanksgiving. I worked, which wasn't actually that fun, because regardless of it being a stay-at-home-with-your-family kind of holiday, no one stayed home. Everyone had to go out and look for things that are open and this in turn makes things open for these people who are looking for things that are open. It is a ridiculous cycle. It's nice to get paid a little more (and I really mean a little) but I would much rather be afforded the pleasure of staying home and not having to wait on people who could care less what I do with my holiday, as long as they get what they want.
I went home and ate homemade taters (I make the best, really) and box-made macncheese. Good Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted some kind of stuffing, but I don't think it was meant to be. I watched the wedding episode of the Office and spent the rest of the night by myself while Jason went to visit a friend. And then we found the maggots, but that's a whole other story.

I was a bit sad for most of the day, but, as I am famous for saying, it's the kind of sad that you aren't really conscious of until someone asks why you look down. Then you realize that maybe something has you upset. I guess it was just a longing for things to be like they were, or at least more like they were.
I just remember years seeming longer, and each Thanksgiving and Christmas and every other holiday seeming light years away from the last. Like there was time in between to mentally prepare and be excited for each one. Now every month goes by so fast, and days go by before I can mark them off of the calendar. I vaguely remember the last Winter and the Summer starting out cold. I remember wanting to go to the beach and just camping out in my parents yard instead. I remember finally going to the beach and loving it. And now here we are. Christmas is less than a month away and it doesn't feel nearly as exciting or that it has been that long since the last one.

Every Thanksgiving we would go to Gramma Faltin's house in West Newton. It seemed really far away and like I would never remember how to get there. I was always the youngest, so there was never really a kid's table. Just my highchair that I used until I was probably 12. I had to sit by my mom because everyone else made me nervous. Gramma was healthy then and cooked everything for everyone. I always thought she was so cute when she had her teeth out and would laugh her big laugh with a gummy smile. We watched cable, which was foreign to my family (and still is). Uncle John called me Judy and I hated it. He thought it was funny. I liked to hide in the bedroom and look at the old pictures on the wall and think about how much my brother looked like my great Uncle John. I liked to think about Gramma living in another country and speaking another language and being a little girl that I didn't know. I waited to have my jello/cool whip dessert and cherry 7up in a fake wine glass. I liked to sit in the big red chair. I wish it still existed, just like Gramma and family Thanksgivings. I wish Thanksgiving still felt like an event to prepare for and nap after, instead of another day to wake up and feel as unspecial as the last.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and I don't mean to bum anyone out!

P.S.- I love macncheese.

reality? oh, no thanks. I'm an anarchist.

http://resistg20.org/crimethinc-statement















I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing me complain about things, but probably this subject more than others. The subject being anarchists, and their not-so-firm grip on reality.

My first problem:
There are soooo many people on this Earth and sooo many governments ruling these people, it would be pretty darn near impossible to get rid of one government let alone turn the whole world into an anarchist society. Because, of course, if American anarchists have a plan to degovernmentalize the US without another strong country taking advantage of us because we no longer have any military or structure, then of course they have a plan to release the rest of the world from the chains that government and hierarchies put on us. They wouldn't leave anyone behind in their utopian vision, would they?

Mostly I think that being an anarchist is living in a world where you exist for today with dreams of a future that, if it were to happen at all, would take hundreds of years to come into focus, and probably some kind of conflict for things to go the way they want. Most of the self-proclaimed anarchists I know of do not think of where they will be as a 60 year old anarchist who has never finished school or never had more than a few meaningless jobs (while they relied on their usually wealthy parents), trying to figure out what they did all those years and why they're not any further than they were in their twenties.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that we have it all right. It seems silly to me that humans have jobs and use money and do half of the things they do. But this is where we've evolved to. This is where we're at. I don't think that the things we have will go away, and that includes the way that we're governed. Anarchists obviously use cell phones and computers and the internet and other forms of media to get their word out, so they probably aren't as disconnected and unappreciative of modern day life as they would have everyone believe.

I remember being young and thinking that being an anarchist would be awesome. I thought I could drop out of school and ride trains across the country and pilfer off of what everyone throws out and leaves behind. I thought money would never be an issue because I would steal and eat out of dumpsters. I listened to Aus Rotten and Choking Victim and the like and thought they were geniuses, until I realized they were all using the same phrases and probably (most likely) on crack. The older I got (obviously this was only like seven years ago) and the closer I got to being on my own, I realized how that couldn't happen. I want to learn and better myself and have movies and computers and Panera breads and Old Navys. I am too sick to not be going to the doctor all the time (it costs money!). I like going to the dentist and having clean teeth. I like silly things like picture frames and clocks shaped like cats. I like the idea of having children someday and having a home somewhere, and big dogs. I don't think that could happen if I just let everything go now.

I think I'll wrap this up before it becomes a novel.

I don't want people to give up the hope that someday we'll rise above the existence we have now (a topic for future writing...). I would just like it if people wouldn't waste time on the intangible. Dreams are great, but only if you act on them and can expect results. Instead of fighting against everything and trying so hard to not be "normal," it would probably be more advantageous to work on things that can be accomplished. This is what we have and you should work with it. Fight for change to make things better in this reality, instead of protesting things that won't be any closer to changing when you're on your way home, with your "NO GODS NO MANAGERS" picket sign in hand. Fight for real equality and help for those who need it, instead of going crazy with rebellion and your want to not have anyone in control of you. The people you're trying to get through to don't take you seriously when you throw bricks or poop or do black blocks and wear your protest gear. "Normal" people laugh and see you as a spectacle. They lose interest as soon as you tell them you're an anarchist. It's become a subculture that doesn't let non-members have a peek of the inner workings. Try becoming more accessible and less scary/funny to the normies (that's what we'll call them). Stop acting like you're in SLC Punk. There are citizens in countries where leaders are tyrannical and don't do anything to help their people. Be happy and grateful for what you have instead of finding reasons to cause commotion and actually hurt more than you help.


Annnddd... SCENE.

global warming?

Now I'm not going to try and be all scientific and act like I'm an expert on anything at all (let alone global warming), but I'm going to tell you what I think and what I know.
My first point: do not even TRY and deny that something is up with the Earth. Whether it's too hot or too cold or too dry or too wet, it's something. Also, do not even try to say that humans have little or nothing to do with it. THERE ARE SIX BILLION+ OF US AND WE WON'T GO AWAY. WE WON'T STOP HAVING BABIES THAT WE DON'T EVEN WANT. And, we won't stop acting like we're way more important than any other creature on Earth and that if anything happens to our planet, it will only impact us.

Here's my personal evidence that humans are not only contributing to the climate change, but are the main cause of it.
I know that it's possible for climate change to be caused by the poles magnetizing and demagnetizing periodically, and by sunspots coming and going (but like I said, I'm not trying to be scientific because I don't know enough unbiased information about either to really say) but there is no way that we can deny that we've messed stuff up forever.

1. When sitting on the back porch in Lawrenceville in summertime, the neighbor's air conditioning exhaust blows in my direction. Not only does it make it hotter back there with all of that hot air blowing right in my face, but it turns on every fifteen minutes. With all of the people and businesses that use (and overuse) air conditioning, you better believe that all of that hot exhaust is changing the temperature.

2. Cars. Like air conditioners but worse. I don't think I need to talk about them. But there are A MOTHER FUCKING LOT in Pittsburgh.

3. People using resources, like trees. Trees make air. We take away the trees and the plants and replace them with blacktop, which absorbs the heat and sun and traps it, and makes it even hotter. And then there's less shade and air to fix the problem.

4. Melting ice. Rising waters.

5. Ridiculous wildfires that won't stop.

There's a lot of evidence, I think. But this should be enough to make people want to stop being jerkfaces and try to be better. Try to be better citizens of Earth. I don't know why it isn't.

Awesome: Baby Animals

I saw the new baby sea lion at the Pittsburgh zoo yesterday, and she's pretty awesome. Then today I held a baby kitty at Petco and thought about how babies (as far as I know, kitties, puppies and human babies) have a really wonderful, heavenly, calming smell that goes away as they get older. Little baby kitties have this wonderful smell on their skin and on their little round bellies. On their soft pads and tiny noses. Puppies keep it in their breath and kisses. And human babies smell soft and small. They feel vulnerable and fragile in your hands. But anyway, it's obviously a smell I enjoy. It makes me happy.
I took some pictures of the baby (and of some other animals on my short trip to the zoo) and felt a "renewal" of the kinship that I feel often with animals. This time it was a feeling that the mother-child bond transcends species, and people seem to forget these things. People forget that animals feel scared and hopeful and happy for their children. They feel proud when they are able to walk or crawl or fly. They feel better about themselves when their children do well. They want to protect them from harm, especially shady looking zoo-goers. Humans just have a superiority complex that is totally uncalled for. Dicks. I had captions on this slideshow but they didn't show up. So imagine the story like this:

Baby looking for mom who is swimming in the water.
Baby calls for mom.
Mom shows up and baby is hungry.
Mom tells baby about being big and grown up.
Mom tries to shade baby.
Baby wants more adequate shade.
Baby moves under overhang and tells mom how awesome it is.
Giraffes do some geometry.
Gorilla contemplates life and her place in it.
Gorilla looks pretty awesome.